Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this, the 25th entry of My Hatred Therapy, I, The Almighty Lord your God, feel that I have finally made a breakthrough. I think I’ve discovered one of the biggest inciting, underlying core issues at the very root of My Eternal Unhappiness…too many questions!
Here’s the thing, I really hate it when people ask too many questions, ok? How dare you people ask so many questions? Could you please stop?! Please, it’s enough already.
Don’t get Me wrong, I don’t hate all questions, per se. There are good questions and bad questions. Good questions are ones like: “What have I done for God lately?” or “How can I be a better slave for God?”
Bad questions are pretty much everything else.
You know, I try to be nice. I go out of My way to be the same old loving God you’ve always known. And what do I get in return? Nothing but insulting, insane, idiotic, catch-22 style questions pelted at Me left and right!
People ask Me infuriating questions like: “Hey God, how can free will be real if you’re all-knowing?” BECAUSE! Just because, ok?! They both exist at the same time. Just accept it and have some faith you charlatan!
Another question I hate: “Um God, could you make a rock so big you couldn’t lift it? And if not, why not?” Argggh! YES, I COULD! And no I couldn’t. Obviously, both are true at the same time because I’m all-powerful you idiot!
And even though I’m omniscient, omnipresent, all-powerful, and far too merciful, you foolish mortals have the nerve to question whether or not I even exist! Without a doubt, this is the question I hate the most. When people question My existence, it takes Me beyond my normal baseline level of fury to a new kind of surreal, bewildered and detached super-rage.
Ask yourself, how would you feel if everyone you knew was constantly debating whether or not YOU exist? Wouldn’t that drive you crazy? Wouldn’t it make you more than a little out-of-your-mind furious? Of course it would. Well…that’s what it does to Me anyway.
I remember one time recently, after a particularly bad quarter in which I lost over half a million people to atheism, I got so angry I blacked out for 5 days. I don’t remember much about what I did, but when I came to, Gabriel told Me I had completely destroyed both the Qzyzxnor AND Hyper-Globulus homeworlds. I was like, holy crap! Good thing nobody cares about them!
I will say, however, there is one question I genuinely love being asked. In fact, it makes Me so happy I get a Divine Boner every time I hear it; and that is: “Why God? Why?”
HAHAHA! BECAUSE MORTAL! I HATE YOU!
Ralph on 
freebiesss on 
TheEvilOverlord on 
God on 
Craig on 
samanta on 
ShunRenHu on 
But,…Why God? …Why?
I’ve noticed you answered my question with a Yes-but-no-but, which is clearly a sign of mental meltdown. God, I’ll tell you what. You are in denial. You do try your best to avoid the issue by overcompensating, with that rage and smitings, to no avail. You’re becoming schizofrenic and paranoid, with delusions of the kind “I exist”, and “I’m infallible, and invencible, and all-powerful”. Clearly, if anything, you’re mental. But despair not, for scientists and philosophers all around the world are working out the cure for your disease.
Dear God,
so, questions are out of question?
Then, how about answers? Do You also hate answers?
Karin
God, Why are you so grumpy?
See! This is exactly what I’m talking about. I write an entire post talking about one of the prime causes of My anger, and I get some dipshit asking “Why are you so grumpy?” Didn’t I just speak to that, at length?!
Karin, no. Answers I’m rather lukewarm on. I don’t mind them really.
But Greg….thanks. I needed that.
Okay Lord, it’s settled. I’ll never question your infallible word again. But really, you set yourself up for it with that whole Trinity thing …
I suppose it depends on whether there’s a comma in that question. “Why, God?” is a different question to “Why God?”, eh?
PS: when’s Jesus coming back? Has he gotten over his cruciphobia yet, or does he still get freaked out by people wearing crosses around their necks? (The bastards!)
i love my round purple face
god, where’s bridgette?
why, god why?
uppity cracka is uppity gaya
Boring!
Here’s a limerick.
Once was a young fellow named Jim
whose father never taught him to swim.
He fell off a dock and sunk like a rock
And that was the end of him.
here’s another limerick
once was a feller named jon
who always left the light switch turned on.
was all about cock though others would knock
one in each hand or he’s gone.
God,
I’m noticing You seem to be demonstrating the classic symptoms of a “God Complex.” Perhaps a little therapy might help You get a handle on it. You may have created the world in six days and rested on the seventh. But on the eighth, I would have scheduled an appoinment at the Community Mental Health Clinic. Just saying…
Amen.
And also he’s a kangaroo.
here’s a limerick
There once was an unpleasant jew
who unoriginally wrote limericks of poo.
they made little sense, were tremendously dense
so god kicked him off of the blog.
You should have ended that one with kangaroo because then it would have rhymed.
here’s a limerick
the pleasant jew can not rhyme
he fucks it up 10% of the time
he claims to hate poo though we know it’s not true
his limericks are yucky like grime
here’s a limerick.
a limerick doesn’t have to rhyme
it’s just something you choose at the time
if you continue to sass, i’ll kick your ass
and then you’ll be kicked off god’s blog!
here’s a limerick
if you want to use the word blog
find something that rhymes with blog
you keep saying blog without rhyming with blog
that should get you kicked off of god’s blog!
Blog is a stupid word.
Like webisode.
They’re both fake words where the original would have already made sense.
here limerick
the unpleasant jew is a hog
he roams around town in a fog
he posts his reply and then peeks at mine like a spy
wordpress has assured me you’ll be kicked off the blog.
hear limerick
TPJ is delusional for sure
unable to locate a cure
wordpress assures not and i’ll stay in this spot
there’s no spying my eyes remains pure
hey….what’s with all the repeated postings and “limericks” jew…..don’t be a fucktard…..go away
As evil as this blog is, I did enjoy the part where ‘god’ gets angry at atheists.
“He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him.” — Leviticus 24:16
here’s a limerick
ilikeuselesscommentaries likes cock
in every orifice he has they will dock
shut your fucking mouth probably live in the south
your small dick could fit in a key lock
Ilikeuselesscommentaries:
i wonder if you notice that there are two people conversing here, via “”limericks”", not just one “jew.”
i wonder if you notice that this blog is in the humor category, that these are comment posts, under an ancillary post about the previous “Ask God” entry.
i wonder if you’re as much of a douche as your post indicates, or if you’re a bigger one.
Go Flying Spaghetti Monster! Pastrafarians are sooo much better than Christians!
Divine Boner?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
I think you jews need to start your own website! your limericks are substandard.
God,
You might need a vacation. Take a couple of weeks off and let the Lord Xenu run things while you’re gone.
how dare you mock my limericks! i will smite you so freaking hard!
uppity gaya??? how unpleasant.
bridgette. just keeps posting about how she’s going to murder us all with stones but never replies to anyone’s throwdowns. how cowardly. and fat.
Does God worship anyone greater than himself? How can he not be an atheist? I say, if you’re badmouthin’ atheists, you’re badmouthin’ God! I know he hates smartass atheist nerd scientists like me, but I’ll bet he has at least a grudging admiration for our nuclear weapons. You can really smite shit with those.
Dear God,
Who the hell do you think you are?
here’s a limerick
uppity cracka richard dawkins
the pleasant jew and stephen hawkins.
i hate all of you your face smells like poo
i think you’re all from the balkans.
here, limerick:
unpleasant jew loves incorrect talking
says hawkins when he really means hawking
grammar’s not his forte, perhaps he’s just a poor gay
he should leave and go back to child stalking.
why is unpleasant jew trying to pick a fight with me? he really is unpleasant. the balkans?
oh snap! No limericks from me. too busy counting me jew-gold.
Dear God,
Why were you so tough on me? It was only one little blowjob, and well… you know hillary.
God - huge thanks for aquitting my ass. But will that verdict count on Judgement Day, or do I have to go through all the same shit again? Especially that Kato cracka - he pisses me off. I figure you must have some kinda cameras or somethin’, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to catch people masturbating.
God, I heard a rumour that the source of your anger came from the fact that the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s noodly appendage once beat you in an arm wrestle.
Is this eternal smiting you have committed yourself to a dirct result of trying to prove your manliness and regain the respect of your arch angel bitches?
Oh, and one other question: Are you ticklish?
God is a thought who makes crooked all that is straight.
Righteous picture of the Flying Spaghetti Monster! Sigh, I worship him…
PLEASE….STOP….ASKING….QUESTIONS!!!
All you people do is take, take, take! Why does no one ever just try and sympathize with Me?
Why people? Why?!
I thought you knew all the answers, God.
Or are you not God?
Wait! I think I’m onto something here. This guy probably isn’t God afterall. If an anonymous guy would post his diatribes under the name of “god”, then it would seem as if it were written by God Himself!! AH! I’m a GENIUS!
Oh, gibberish!
Forget about that rationale.
The same has been said about the Bible, and we know it is the word of God because it says so. Just like this blog. So he must be God afterall.
Given the circumstances, God please relax, or else you are fast approaching another blackout, and we don’t wanna another one of those, do we?
Luis Dias,
Please report to the 6th Circle of Hell for your overdue weekly ass-raping.
Anxiously,
- Lou
God, I’m sorry that people are being such pricks by constantly bugging you with stupid shit, but your latest entry got me thinking. What can I do to be a better slave for you? Any tips?
P.S. I suck, and you are great.
I invented questions.
hoo hoo
God,
Satan won’t leave me alone. He says I made a deal with him and that I have to fulfill my end of the deal. He always calls during dinner and has started harrassing me at work. Smite him, God. Smite him good. And cut off his wiener… you know, just for fun.
Please don’t get pissy with me. I didn’t ask you no damned questions!! I made a demand which should be expected as I’m a woman.
God! You are grounded mister! I cannot believe you have such a dirty mouth! I’m on my honeymoon with Satan in Miami, but I am flying up to Heaven in the morning. Prepare for a divine whooping!
I like Nun.
After all, I am the Artist Formerly Known as Prince of Lies, and she lies a lot. She’s a woman. You can’t trust them. I can, though, and constantly do.
I invented lies.
hoo hoo, robin
apparently the Unpleasant Jew
has a absolutely nothing to do
perhaps he and his asshat jew friend
should go fuck an unpleasant shrew.
Hey God? Can I ask you a question?…….oh…..wait
you forgot to say “here’s a limerick,” douche hat.
hey satan….nice body paint
hmmm……I call you an asshat…and you exemplify incredible creativity by then calling me a “douche hat”. The old rubber-glue tactics, ey?
Dear Satan, aka Lucifer,
If I lie it’s not my fault!! I’m a woman and can’t be expected to tell the truth… that’s the way the Lord God Almighty made me and who am I to argue with the Divine Maker.
You. dear sir, manipulated my desire for fame and massive richness. You tricked me into doing your evil deeds. Sure, I enjoyed doing them but it doesn’t change the fact that you misrepresented yourself. What is the world coming to when you can’t even trust Satan!?!?!
I hate you, Satan with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns!!
Wanna go out drinking on Saturday?
it’s over. I win. goodbye.
Hey Nun -
I’ll be your fallback guy if old Lucifer stands you up……I LOVE evil, untrustworthy women.
you know what’s over?
your face.
I think you lose because you post under different names.
I like Cream of Sumyung-gi but I’m an evil and psycho woman… note the hatred spewed at Satan yet I still want to hang with him… that’s how us psycho chicks roll, don’t ya know.
Satan is into freaky get-togethers so even if he doesn’t stand me up, you’re more than welcome to join in all the evil fun that transpires when Satan and I start throwing back the tequila shooters.
The more the evilier, that’s what I always say!!
hooray!
bloodvork…what’s wrong with multiple personalities? Are you like the post police?
Dear Nun,
I don’t appreciate being called Satan. It has negative implications. It gives me a bad rep. I’m your friend. All those things that make you feel good about yourself - it’s me.
If by “go out” you mean “come over to my place,” by “drinking” you mean “bend me over the kitchen counter and go to town on my round sweet ass,” and by “on Saturday” you mean “please, my eternal Evil Overlord, Greatest Fuck Of All Time,” then sure, I’m up for going out drinking on Saturday.
Love,
- Lou
Dear Satan,
Oh, don’t I know how you hate to be called Satan… but you see, dear sweet Satan, I LOVE it when you get angry. However, I do not buy by your assessment that “Satan” carries with it negative implications. Surely you, dear sweet Satan, are not swayed by the impressions of coddled pussies who fear your most adorable nickname of Satan.
And thank you, Satan for understanding my ‘code’. Of course you got it all right but you already knew that, didn’t you? You evil bastard you.
I love you, Satan with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns!! Don’t ever change!!
Love for all eternity,
Nun
P.S. Don’t worry, I’ll call you Lucifer on ‘Saturday’ when we’re ‘drinking’. I know how you love that. smooches
I’d rather you called out for God when we’re “drinking”, as usual. I get a kick out of the thought that The Old Fart is watching. And He’s ALWAYS watching, the pervert. I like God. If He weren’t God, He’d definitely be kicking back in Hell with the rest of us fun-loving people.
As you wish my Evil Lord.
God,
Is it a sin to have mind-blowing, earth-shattering sex with the Devil? Sorry for the question but I want him so bad it makes my loins ache.
sweet jebus! get a (chat) room!
i disagree. i think they should get more graphic
here’s a limerick:
(I bleeped out the bad words so Bridgette wouldn’t squirm.)
Bleep, bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep,
Who bleeped a bleeping bleep sheep.
It looked up and bleeped,
“Bleep, bleep bleep bleep, bleep bleep fuck”.
God, I know you hate questions, and I’ve already asked my question of the month, but hear me out.
I was watching a rerun of Family Guy and Peter had disturbed an ancient Indian burial site and things went shitty and Stewie Griffin was taken by some spirits or stuff to “the other side”. When Stewie returned, Brian asked him how it was in the other side.
Stewie said he’d met Homeboy Jesus and that he was actually Chinese. Stewie’s like, “Yeah, he really is. He doesn’t know where people are getting ‘Christ’.”
Confirm or deny, God?
Why …is a question I ask everyday. Nice blog
Dear God,
I’m afflicted by an unsightly and growing bald patch. The prospect of going bald really bums me out. Can you help? I have an acne problem too. But if you can only fix one thing, please do the bald patch. Thanks.
Dear God,
sorry to ask You a question but , is 36 THE R.Dawkins?
That’s quite an honour for You. If R. Dawkins talks to You then he has a lot of explaining to do.:)
Karin
Lol, the more you ask for no questions, the more questions you receive!
Perhaps you should start charging for answers?
This is getting pornographic. Cut the crap you two dumbwits. Go fuck (literally or not, couldn’t care less) yourselves away from God’s own blog. Have you lost your respect?
God, another question:
Do you consider Jesus to be the fag facet of you? Don’t you hate his(your) manners? Like that “turn the other cheek” and fag stuff like that. I mean, it’s just fucking smugly fag!
I think it’s funny when people who post dumbass questions have the balls to criticize the posts of others.
What in the Hell is wrong with pornography? Nothing, I tell you. In fact, it’s my day job, my main source of income.
And there are good reasons for that, eh, Nun?
Dean - No, Jesus was not Chinese. WHAT BLASPHEMY! I hate Family Guy.
Reg - No I will NOT help you with your acne or baldness problems. It brings Me far too much pleasure to watch you suffer these embarrassments.
Karin - Yes, it is ‘THE’ atheist imbecile Richard Dawkins himself.
Tom - That is a good idea, what would be a fair price for answers from Me? $100,000 per answer? $1,000,000?
Luis - Well you might say Jesus was the version 2.0 rollout of My Divine Marketing Plan.
Lucifer - Pornography is wicked~! DAMN YOU SATAN!
Here you go god, some answers.
Yes. 27. No. She slept with him. The city’s financial planning did not allow it. It’s not your baby. Because I said so. Because He said so. Because She said so. Go to bed earlier. It’s behind the couch. It’s an STD, go to the doctor. Yes, you should quit. Always to the left. Stop picking at it.
Now, I think that’s enough answers to warrent a question.
How do feel about Santa Clause? Isn’t he kinda stealing your thunder?
God,
Come back to bed.
Love,
M
You’re damned right there’s good reasons for that, Lou… it’s the size of your massive… oh, you get the picture.
Nun,
You’re damned right I’m damned. And right.
God,
Thank You for saying porn is wicked. I’m SO proud of having invented. It’s awesome.
God,
What about when your son asks “Are there God? It’s me, Jesus.” Does that shit annoy the fuck out of you?
Can god get lost?
God, how come you favor the Jews over everyone else? Doesn’t that make you a racist?
Jared,
Not only is he a racist, but a murderer too. Think of all the women and unborn children he smote in the Flood. And in Moses’ time, the firstborn of Egypt. Lotta smiting goin’ on there.
Lucifer is a cooler dude. He invented porn, which is hard to beat.
D. Hue - Thank you for those random answers. That quite amused Me. As to your question, I despise Santa Claus and will speak about this in a future post.
terps - He doesn’t do that. That was South Park.
rapturemebitch - No.
Jared - No, My Love for Jews does not make Me racist you nitwit. It just makes Me a pro-semite.
And when I vest my flashing sword And my hand takes hold in judgement I will take vengeance upon mine enemies And I will repay those who hase me O Lord, raise me to Thy right hand And count me amoung Thy saints .
Whosoever shed last blood. By man shall his blood be shed. For immunity of god make he the man. Destroy all that which is evil. So that which is good may flourish. And I shall count thee amoung my favoured sheep. And you shall have the protection of all the angels in heaven.”
Never shall innocent blood be shed. Yet the blood of the wicked shall flow like a river. The three shall spread their blackened wings and be the vengeaful striking hammer of god.
Amen.
Dear God,
Last thing I was expecting was catching him talking to You.
I’ve been an admirer of the “atheist imbecile” for decades. But now I must say God 1 - Dawkins 0.
Luis Dias,
If you’re poruguese like your name suggests, check this out http://ktreta.blogspot.com/
You’re wrong Karin. It’s Dawkins 1 - God 0. Remember that when Lucifer offers you your daily bread.
God,
At any given second, thousands of people from different parts of the globe pray to you in varied tongues. Can you understand all languages or do you use Babelfish like the rest of us?
Oh, and how do you decipher mumbled/jibberish prayers?
Iambetterthanyou,
I usually buy my daily bread myself, but if this guy Lucifer is giving it away for free, great. Where can I get some?
love Karin
Why doesn’t the bible talk about how Jesus was a bastard child. God is a typical male, bang a chick, get her pregnant and then run out the door. I hope you paid child support while Mary was raising your son.
Sometimes I won’t how many more bastard children you have left scattered across the universe. This is not a question but feel free to answer.
Il Duce - I love that passage! It puts Me in the mood to smite!
JimmyNoEmail - Of course I can understand all languages artard. I’m omniscient! That includes jibberish.
King of Tyre - BLASPHEMY! DAMN YOU! I WILL NOT ANSWER!
Karin,
anywhere but London, the resident devil who lives there is a bastard.
God,
Do you need a hug?
karin, yes that’s one of my fav blogs, too.
QED, iambetterthanyou. You live in London, right?
“26 Bridgette
As evil as this blog is, I did enjoy the part where ‘god’ gets angry at atheists.”
I love how religious folk are all about punishment. Punishment for free will. But you know, they don’t focus on bad free will like universal crimes (murder, stealing), but instead they focus on everyday living free will (like choosing your own religion/no religion at all, or wanting to marry someone you love).
“If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Albert Einstein “
[...] good recent one is God hates questions. Don’t get Me wrong, I don’t hate all questions, per se. There are good questions and bad [...]
“porn is hard to beat”
heheheheh, you said beat, hehehehe.
Beavis
(Just arriving from 1996)
[...] goody! I’ve got so many questions to ask [...]
God,
Why am I such a fucking awesome deity?
Apollo