Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today is Memorial Day in the USA. Most Americans use this day to eat burgers and think about dead soldiers. I would also like to use today to think about dead soldiers…and how much I hate them!
Please! Before I go any further, don’t misunderstand Me. Just because I hate dead soldiers, in no way does this mean that I hate war.
On the contrary, I love war! It’s one of the best methods I have to punish and destroy nations I hate. I really need to hurry up and get a bunch more started soon. You know, when I think about all the blasphemous little brats I’ve killed in wars over the millennia, it warms My Heart. It’s just such a great way to kill more sinners and get them off to Hell for eternal torture.
Hmm, while I’m on the topic, I’d like to take a moment to mention a specific kind of soldier I especially like to make dead – the marines! Stupid jerks! Think they’re so tough!
Marine core drill instructors are always saying that I, the Lord Almighty, love the marines. RIDICULOUS! I HATE THE MARINES! They also claim that on the 8th day, I created the marines. BULLSHIT! They even go so far as to say that I’m a marine Myself. BLASPHEMY!
Let Me make this clear right now: there is nothing - and I mean nothing - I hate more than when people put words into My Holy Mouth. I assure you, anyone dumb enough to commit such sacrilege will be stricken dead where they stand!
So anyway, where the fuck was I? Yes, that’s right. I, The Almighty Lord, hate dead soldiers. Those stupid maggots make Me furious! Seriously, how hard is it to fight in a war and not get killed?
Haha - just kidding. It’s actually very easy for a soldier to die in a war. Especially when I hate them!
The simple truth is, if you ever participated in a war and got killed, it’s only because I hated you and wanted you dead. I don’t care how you died; whether you were decapitated by a Visigoth, were impaled by a French bayonet, or fell on a grenade to save the lives of your friends - I arranged those circumstances and put you there at that exact moment in time, because for whatever reason, I had come to hate you.
Private Montgomery, who got killed fighting the Zulu for her Majesty in 1879, I know you’re reading this right now in Hell’s computer lab and you’re wondering if you’re one of these dead soldiers I speak of. Yes! That’s right! I’m talking about you dung-for-brains! I hated you and your dreadful poetry writing, and I started that whole war just so I could kill you. And even though you are already dead and in Hell, I hate you still.
You know, come to think of it, I guess technically I don’t hate dead soldiers at all - I hate the previously alive soldiers! I love the dead ones! I love the fact that they’re dead and no longer around to piss Me off. I love Memorial Day!
Ralph on 
freebiesss on 
TheEvilOverlord on 
God on 
Craig on 
samanta on 
ShunRenHu on 
You’re just jealous. After all, there’s no day set aside to honor God, is there?
I mean, sure. We’ve got a lot of days on our calendar to honor that useless piece of Israeli yard-art you call a son, but as for G-Day, there’s nothing.
Personally, I think you should start over from scratch (again). Maybe you’ll get it right the next time around what with the third time being a charm and all that.
Is it safe to say all dead soldiers are rotting in Hell? Not even one dead soldier in Heaven? What would a soldier have to do to make their way into Heaven?
How about the soldiers that went on the Crusades?? Hate them too?
George Carlin always said you were the leading cause of death. I might believe him if I first believed the fact that you actually exist.
Is there no limit to your wickedness? This blog is truly appalling.
Uh oh.
Bridgette, of course there’s no limit to His wickedness. This is God! Omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient. By definition, no limit.
Bridgette, why are you insulting His Holy Writing? Or maybe you’re complimenting Him for His awesome style of convoluted ass-kickery? Indeed, the almighty LORD is wicked-sick and there is no limit to His wickedness and/or general gnarly bad-ass ways.
You know what, “God”, all your previous posts were interesting and worth reading, but this. You made me go through all that. THIS IS DISTASTEFUL. The nerve. You better make up for this bull shit in your next post.
You know what Dean? I really don’t give a rat’s ass what you or any of you other mortals think.
I HATE WHAT I HATE!!!
Bridgette = “Is there no limit to your wickedness? This blog is truly appalling.”
Who are to to judge the Almighty? I hope he gives you a yeast infection for your next Birthday.
For once, Bridgette didn’t quote scripture! It’s a miracle!! Somebody smite me!!!
oooh God this one IS controversial…but totally logical if you think about it (obviously if everyone but God thinks about it as he already knows).
You keep the ones you like alive, the others get deaded…so simple.
Dan! Brie! Dean! Chill, baby-ies.
This should have come as no surprise at all. Were the three of you, like, in a coma during the early 90s? Did you ever hear of a little flick called “Universal Soldier”, starring Jean-Claude Van Damn? That’s my boy, by the way. I wrote the script for that one too, just to screw with The Old Man. I KNEW that nothing would get his panties in a bunch like the idea of soldiers that would just not die! Sure, it pissed him off and he went on a smiting rampage all over Mongolia during the opening weekend, but it was still worth it.
Hey, G! Wassap? It’s me, Lou!
You still owe me money. Better pay up or I’ll tell what really happened when I came across your boy in the desert. Don’t make a liar out of Matthew…
Peace,
- L
I heard that on the 8th day god created evolution. It that true?
I remember the 8th day. Believe me, the only thing He created that whole day was hangover remedy.
Rock’n'Roll!
Haha. That mad face “God” made just after my comment looks cute somehow. :-))
I find it funny how people are not expecting to be offended by a blog entitled “Stuff God Hates” Come on folks, it’s called sarcasm, and in my opinion, God takes it to a new level. Thanks God. or Thank God. Whichever pleases thee more.
Bridgette is truly appalled by this blog. She’s also one of its most dedicated readers.
Oh, also she’s fat.
Dean,
This is actually one of God’s better posts.
Ever since the act of war was created man has blessed both sides in the name of God. Even now the “terrorists” America fights believes God wants them too, and at the same time the US believes God is on there side. How can this be? How can God support both sides of a war? There can be only one answer; he wants people to die, hence the content of this blog.
When you read these posts, try to look past the first level. God is actually making commentary on our society and it’s missuse of God and the divine.
For example - Just over the weekend a pastor at a mega-church in Texas was caught trying to bang a 13 year old girl. I bet Bridgette didn’t go to his website and post a bunch of scriptures.
God’s Humble Servant,
Josh
Look! Someone who isn’t missing the point!
That’s rarer than a bloodvark! Someone take a picture and send it to Bridgette, Dick, Punjab, and homozeen.
wow…this is seriously messed up right here….
Don’t listen to these sinners Bridgette! Fight the good fight!
“For the wages of sin is death; but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23
oh great….just what this blog needs, another psychotic Christian fanatic quoting scriptures….why don’t you losers stop trolling here and go fuck a bible or something.
Cooper!
No that is not true! There is no such thing as the e-word! DO NOT EVER SAY THAT WORD IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN OR RISK A HEFTY SMITING!!!
Dead soldiers everywhere must be offended. But I’ll cut ya some slack, we’ve all got the right to free speech.
God, why aren’t you doing ANYTHING about the bible thumpers?
White Parent,
Because I love them! They are the only people around here who TRULY respect Me.
And why would I ever punish someone who quotes scriptures? If you have the ability to quote My Book, it means you are pious and intelligent, and probably wash yourself every day.
yeah, bridgette, don’t listen to the sinners. just listen to God because he is the only non-sinner in, like, the whole him-damned universe! (you’re stupid). don’t listen to the sinners because they are smarter than you. they might actually talk some sense into your feeble little brainwashed mind!!! fight the logic, bridgette!! fight your own reason!!! FIGHT IT!!!!!!!! (stupid).
is it offensive? no, stupid! it’s not about the soldiers…why are you so stupid? stupid. stupid. stupid. i wish i was a pious christian fatty so i could have god smite you for being so stupid.
“I’ll go to hell then.” -Huckleberry Finn. Also, make believe, but if you’re going to live your entire life by fairy tales, why pick one particular book? might as well be arbitrary.
uh, hello, uh, God?
yeah, it’s me; I’m bionicFAG, you know, you love me, since you created me?
I just wanted to say thank you for putting me in one of the most misunderstood, feared, hated groups on the planet. It’s amazing how much empathy, compassion and understanding are yours when others vilify you for things you didn’t choose. It also takes courage to admit to ourselves and others we belong with these people. Wow, I’m a lot deeper, more caring person than if I had grown up the person my parents thought I was.
I know, I know, every day I make “choices” but did you put that crazy idea in those breeders’ brains just to torment us gays more? Surely these breeders know they didn’t “choose” to be non-gay, right? It’s not like they woke up one morning, before choosing between Captain Crunch and Aunt Jemima then said “oh, you know what, I was thinking of being gay (just for business purposes (zappa)) but instead I’ll mow lawns this summer for money and keep the gay away, because my favorite color is blue, my favorite flavor is vanilla, and my only sex is non-gay.”
Or maybe they did and only the non-gay people are the world who get to choose. Cool irony. Thanks anyway.
worshipping the staff — that is SO cool, thanks,
bionicFAG
Lucifer,
YOU BASTARD!!! STOP RUINING MY PLANET WITH YOUR ROCK MUSIC AND SUGAR!!! AND NEVER POST ON MY HOLY BLOG AGAIN!!
God,
About The Hol(e)y Blog: You know damned well that I (and Al Gore) created the Internet with the sole intent of proliferating my message of masturbation and anal sex. Why do You always have to rain on my parade?
Love,
- Lou
BionicFaag,
“I just wanted to say thank you for putting me in one of the most misunderstood, feared, hated groups on the planet.”
Are you black?
God’s Humble Servant,
Josh
He’s a smoker.
maybe he plays dungeons and dragons…those people are weird. i don’t get them and that scares me. i say we don’t allow them to marry. hopefully, that will keep them from reproducing other D&D gamers. who’s in? well, i’m gonna go burn some crosses or something.
wait, no, he means gay. i get it. those dudes are scary as hell. i’m scared just thinking about how scary they are. scarier than blacks even…well, maybe not blacks. (that hippety-hop music is no good)
He’s an angry gay black man that smokes 2 packs a day, probably Virginia Slims. But I don’t find them as scary as the fundamentalist Muslims declaring Jihad on everything from the western culture.
Dungeon and Dragons has been replaced with World of Warcraft. You don’t have to worry about them reproducing, nor do you have to worry about gays reproducing either.
Hey…sorry, sweetheart, whoever you are, God is a figure of fogiveness and strength, not of bashing whatever military division your sorry ass didn’t qualify for.
How dare you speak for God the Almighty! I have no idea what happened to idiots like you when they die, but you can be sure I’ll be there, waving you ‘happy trails’ (or enternal hellfire, whatever).
Yes you will, Honey.
Guessing by your statement you in fact support the homophobia going on in Westboro.
I guess if you support those jerks then you’ve ruined your own religion.
Cooper,
“But I don’t find them as scary as the fundamentalist Muslims declaring Jihad on everything from the western culture.”
If you honestly think Muslim fundamentalist hate us and our freedoms….
If they hated freedom so much why not bomb Amsterdam, I hear they’re pretty Free over there with their legal hookers and drugs. If you think it’s western culture they hate, then visit Iraq, Pakistan, Iran etc and check out the video store. They love western culture. LOVE IT.
God’s Humble Servant,
Josh
“How can God support both sides of a war? ”
He has multiple personalities.
Check out the Bible - it’s full of examples. C’mon, how can one God be a trinity unless He has MP?
“I have no idea what happened to idiots like you when they die”
the first intellectually honest thing a religious person has posted on this blog yet.
it’s like a breath of fresh air…
i have no idea what happens to idiots like you, either, but i’m sure that when you all die off the world will be vastly improved.
sincerely,
waiting for the rapture so we can all live in peace
honey blue, totally missed the point (unsurprisingly). no one is bashing the military. “How dare you speak for God the Almighty!” it’s funny how dumbasses like you warn against speaking in god’s name while telling other people what god thinks of them. why can’t you people grasp a concept as simple as irony?! what is wrong with you?!
wouldn’t it be silly of an omniscient god to create as the only alternative to hell a belief system which requires its followers to suspend all reason in order to reach heaven? wouldn’t god only be weeding out the smart people? what’s he going to do in paradise for all eternity with a bunch of halfwits? what kind of dinner conversation will that be?
Man Life suspects that god is secretly a liberal bed-wetter. Pro-war, of course, but anti-soldier? Man Life knows that god wouldn’t exist without his fleet of soldiers (Bridgett), and without soldiers his holy crusades would have been a posting on a bulletin board.
Man Life suggests that god stop being a pussy.
“it’s funny how dumbasses like you warn against speaking in god’s name while telling other people what god thinks of them.”
man, uppity cracka, that’s goddamn right. I think that may be the whole point of this blog. I can’t wait for more religious lunatics to come here, put words in God’s mouth and make fools of themselves.
Uppity: Great reply. And “halfwits” is such an outstanding word. It really applies to SO many people!…. Like republicans, grocery store clerks who aren’t nice to you, and women who drive really big SUV’s.
ESPECIALLY the trophy milfs in really big SUVs!! Smite them for us God, please!!!!
So under the same idea, god, you must hate the 9/11 terrorists as well, right?
OF COURSE!!!
Dear God,
If You believe You create wars or kill soldiers, keep on dreaming.
Mankind is stupid enough to do it without the help of any Holy Stupidity.
Karin
sonofabitch who call himself god,
you act like a child. grow up.
skippy
The corollary is: anyone who has ever died did so because God grew to hate him/her. No matter what you do, sooner or later you’ll end up pissing off The Old Geezer and then you’re dead! Just face it.
I, on the other hand, love all of you bastards. And you love me too. Even The Old Geezer loves me. I’m His favourite. I’ve been around since before He created the freakin’ world.
Anal sex rules!
- Lou
why don’t the religious people ever respond to the throwdowns? they just post some version of a scripture that they assume god wrote in english and then…nothing. if you’ve got the absolute truth, why can’t you stand up for it?
obviously because there is absolutely nothing they can say. I wouldn’t mind the “you’re going to hell” slams so much if there was at least one Christian poster who at least tried to argue their case…
Josh,
I never said they hated freedom! Don’t be a douchebag and put words in my mouth/reply. Nor did I say the countries like Iran, Iraq, Pakistan hate western culture, I was referring to Muslim Fundamentalists which make up a small fraction on the Muslims to begin with. How’s about next you read a comment take it as face value, and don’t assume more than what is there.
Josh + comments = douchebag
Fights mean food for bloodvarks.
cooper + josh = super sexy time
oh, karin.
Cooper,
I kneel before your awesome math skills. With forumals like that you’ll prove string theory in no time. Or at least you’ll prove who is actually a douchebag with your name calling.
God’s humble servant,
Josh
Why is it that three of the posts on this blog were made on Sunday? No respect for the sabbath there god?
Why do you post on sundays, but not fridays?
well, god, i usually find your blog pretty funny and enjoyable. but i feel this blog and the last one lack the biting satire of your other blogs, where you take good and accurate shots at some of the views of your followers. like your science one, that was a beauty!
Judas,
I post whenever I get a spare moment to sit down, collect My Thoughts and just focus on My Therapy. Usually this is a Sunday, as this is My only fricking day off. I’ve been really busy lately - I always feel like I have to be everywhere at once you know?
Not so much math but more like Aristotelian Logic:
If A is the behavior of D
And J acts like an A
Then J is probably a D.
Coop,
This last post was a logical argument while your previous post clearly stated that me + comments = douche bag, which is math. I took the first post at face value just like you suggested. But by all means continue with your name calling.
Computer + Posts = Cyber tough guy
God’s humble servant,
Josh
God,
What if I just took both of them off your back?
Love,
- Lou
internet fights are like the special olympics, doesn’t matter who wins you’re still retard.
teabag, that comment really was uncalled for.
i agree with the statement, but you couldve phrased it in a nicer way.
but as i said, youre correct, these endless arguments are pointless.
That comment was uncalled for because that tired old expression is retarded.
I want to see blood.
Mostly so I can eat tonight.
Was anyone else surprised to learn that Hell has a computer lab, or was it just me?
Dear God,
why do you yell so much? Isnt normal tone enough?
Being Hell, I would presume said computer lab would only have dial-up.
rossinisbird,
I guess that would make sense
this is sad and it makes me nervous for you
Don’t piddle the carpet then.
You are obviously not God and you are going to die a slow, painful death for saying things like this. I hope you realize your mistake in writing what you do before you die and repent because God does forgive–even creeps like you.
God,
You contradict yourself - In a previous post (Pope Mobile) you proclaim that you like the current pope as he is:
“… tough like a Marine”
Apparently you don’t know your ass from your elbows… which is funny since you ‘created’ them.
He meant “tough like a Marine” and just as big a wuss; ergo, the Pope-Mobile.
Same principle as when talking about American “football” and all its faggotty protection gear, as opposed to real men’s sports.
So God, since I lived through my three combat tours you must really love me, or you missed a good chance to smite me.
Christian - Yes, exactly. I let you live because you were such a good killer for Me.
And after all, I need good killers in wars to create all those schmuck dead soldiers for Me, don’t I?
Glad to have sent you so many…
[...] You told everyone the truth; that the Iraq War is all part of My Divine Plan. And then you gutlessly backpedaled, as if suggesting that I would ever be in favor of a war was something crazy. It’s not crazy! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again - I love creating new dead soldiers! [...]
[...] innocent 1st born children; I’ve sanctioned slavery, rape and murder. But disrespecting dead soldiers is where I draw the [...]
Thanks for smiting me with a 4F knee, back and shoulder, God. If not for those, I probably would have provided You with endless hours of battlefield hilarity in Your Name! The 60’s–good times…
Your remarks about Marines are interesting, but you watch too many movies, and have seen too many t-shirts/bumper stickers. You should pull that shit out if you want to be taken semi-seriously, or at least laughed at for the sheer content, vice the errors. Just a suggestion.
Hey; at least we still have invocations at all of our events…The ACLU hasn’t shotgunned that one yet. Why don’t you smite those fuckers a little, or make them get real jobs?
French bayonets? Aren’t they all still packed away in crates?
You’re taking a chance by posting a picture of Lee Irmey. That dude could kick Your ass. Said.
I think God should have actually waited until tomorrow to bring this back to the top.
shutup nun
Go have sex and cry, ben.
God, aren’t you kind of being a lazy bastard by recycling LAST YEAR’s hate-filled column on dead soldiers? Couldn’t you have even bothered to write a 2009 preamble to it, at least? I think you’re losing interest in this blog and quality control is slipping.
shutup lilly. God already told us He’s working his ass off to make us a cartoon.
Hmmm, yeah. Hope it’s better than the last piece of dreck.
This post will surely be selected for HIS upcoming book. I can tell.
why?! why should God write a 2009 preamble?! has His divine hatred for dead soldiers somehow changed in the last year?! NO!!! DIE HEATHEN SCUM!!!!
shut up.
What a bunch of fags.
aahhh, to have friends in real life……..