Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this entry I want to talk about someone I hate so much I would like to kill him, and resurrect him, and just keep continually killing him for the rest of time in as infinitely many ways possible. The person of whom I speak, is, of course, George W. Bush.
Yes, that’s right, I, The Almighty Lord your God, hate George Bush too. But probably not for the same reasons you do. I could not possibly care less about the American economy, the price of oil, or all the American troops and citizens that are now dead directly because of Bush. I…JUST…DON’T…CARE! Ok?!
Nope, I hate Bush for far, far more serious reasons. For one thing, he’s dirty! As you well know, cleanliness is close to Me. Well Bush refuses, absolutely refuses, to shower every week. He rarely brushes his teeth (unless Laura does it for him) and never washes his hands after he poos. His handlers just slap extra makeup on him and that nasty little cuss walks around all day shaking hands with world leaders using hands he just used to wipe his ass. I tell you, the sick freak actually gets off on it.
That’s another thing - George Bush masturbates, constantly! Masturbation is one of the things I strictly forbid, and Bush just can’t stop torturing his one-eyed pants detainee. On average, President Bush jerks off two to three times a day. And the worse off America is, the more he does it! Disasters and recession have a way of making Bush horny. He becomes intensely sexually aroused at the idea that the world needs him to save it - 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina sent Bush into a masturbating frenzy.
But besides the fact that he’s a filthy pervert, he’s also unpleasant and annoying on a personal level. I hate him so much! I just can’t stand to even look at his stupid face. More than anything though, I hate his stupid laugh! It’s unbearable! The mere sound of it makes Me want to toss him off a cliff and dash his brains on the rocks below!
Also…he’s the kind of person who will make promises and get your hopes all up nice and high, only to get wasted drunk and let you down in the end. Have you ever been burned really bad by someone you thought was your friend? Ok, well that’s kind of what happened with Me and George W.
Truth is, I used to think he was a swell guy. I mean, I was close with his dad and had promised to make his descendants rulers and stuff many years back. And so I watched George Jr. grow up with interest. I even did coke with him a bunch of times in college, and when he killed this old lady with his car one night, I protected him and made it all go away.
We were the best of pals! We had (have) everything in common. I hate snitches, he hates snitches. I hate anal, he hates anal. I hate science, he hates science. You get the picture.
And so, when the time came in 2000, I used My Powers to make him King of America. And for a while, everything was hunky-dory. I would tell him what to do, and he’d do it. Thing was, I made him pinky-swear not to tell anybody. And what did that asshole do, just two years later? He betrayed Me (of course!) and told everyone I had told him to invade Babylon! He also began worshiping the pagan “god” Molech and even sent money and aid-relief to the heathen continent of Africa!
After everything I had done for that retard, that was how he repaid Me! Well, I immediately stopped giving him pointers and it’s all been downhill for him since then. Everyone hates him now, and everyone will continue to hate him for the rest of time. When he dies from not wearing his seatbelt in 2012, he’s going straight to hell and everyone will make jokes about him being a dumbass. That’s what you get you stupid jerk!
Foppl's Siege Party on 
Ben on 
Nun Ur Damned Bizness on 
Milford on 
hmph on 
Naytheist on 
Amen to that.
Although he does make a lot of funny faces. lol
God, why the hate against masturbation?
Our economy is in the shitter. Innocent people are being killed. Former foreign relations despise us. But, most importantly, Bush looks like the fucking extra who didn’t make the cut in “Ratatouille.”
Finally God! You’ve noticed. He’s dirty.
Now do away with him and his nasty ass slut, Condy!
Oh, and God? Can you give Dick Cheney a few hot coals in the ass too for good measure?
This gets wittier every post.
Loving your work God!
Well then, so Chimpy was telling the truth after all when he said this:
He also said he wouldn’t take advice from his dad, such as “Don’t turn the entire world into a shitstorm, Junior”, because he listens to a Higher Father.
Sorry, Big Fella, I’ll grant that You’ve come up with some real gems, like Norway and sexual intercourse, but this one is strictly Your fuckup, and what a fuckup for the ages it is.
All right, I’ve decided to own up to my responsibility in all of this, since I’m the God of wine and inspirer of madness, and You were drunk out of Your gourd on sangria the day that You created Dubya.
But it’s not like I haven’t warned You about a billion times. I keep telling you, if You’re going to go around promising people that their descendants will become the rulers of lands, then don’t create the future rulers while You’re shitfaced, but do You ever listen? Sheesh.
Over on the Ask God thread, somebody said:
And You answered:
So which is it? If we can’t lick our balls, we’re not trying hard enough, but if we try harder and eventually do manage to lick our balls, then we suck, so to speak?
If you told him to invade “Babylon”, shouldn’t the you shoulder some of the responsibility for the mess it has caused. Did you tell him to send spy planes over Venezuela too? War, can’t live with it can’t kill massive amounts of people without it.
SWPL has the right idea here. Instead of giving Bush and Cheney the usual treatment of eternal pitchfork-poking, char-broiling and demon gang-rape, why don’t You have them water-boarded until the end of time? Sounds right to me, if You’re a Fair and Just God. You could just turn the tables and let the Gitmo and Abu Ghraib prisoners get their revenge until Judgment Day.
I hate how you people call this guy God. Blasphemy man..God wouldn’t call Africa a heathen continent. GTFO outta here man. Youve done Africa and Asia, now finish the rest of the world..Or lemme guess God only blesses America? smh idiot
gami missed the point, man. god wouldn’t call his own blog blasphemy, man. man, god, gami needs some enlightenment. everyone knows god only blesses america, duu-uu-uuh. how else would you explain all the fat people, man? anyway, gami…chillax, man. if this is truly an imposter blog, the real god will come down here on a chariot and smite the hell out of imposter god anyway….man. won’t you, real god?
I wish Gami’s mouth really had a cartoon band aid over it like his little preset avatar has.
So does that mean the God is a Democrat?
And while we are on the subject of humans You created that turned out to be a mistake….Evangelical Christians, seriously, did You make these idiots or are they just sad by product of Christianity? And before You go defending them I recommend you watch Jesus Camp, specifically the part where they have the children crowding around a card board cut out of George Bush applauding. Your supposedly most loyal followers are teaching their children to worship a man You hate, please correct this error.
I really like other “hate” blogs, but this one is really not that funny. Not because of the topics, but because the writer really isn’t very witty. It’s unfortunate, because there’s real potential with the subject matter.
Stop using so many exclamation points!!!!
Johns Hopkins - what other hate blogs are there? also, you must be crazy because this blog is hilarious. how could it possibly be done any better? does not using exclamation points make things more witty? I’m confused. and you’re an idiot.
Chapaquidick (and the driving of the “old lady” off the bridge) was Ted Kennedy. I’m thinking that you’re not REALLY god.
it looks like you hate Ted Kennedy too.
Dean,
I will address My Hatred of masturbation in a later post.
White Parent,
Dick Cheney just will not die no matter how much My Angel Death Squads try to kill him - his body is a battleground between Me and Satan.
Dionysus,
I understand that this is a fine distinction. But you are not allowed to yank your crank with your hand. Too easy. But if you manage to lick your own privates, it’s ok - you deserve it.
Cooper,
War is essential to My Divine Plan.
UppityCracka,
That is correct. If someone were to impersonate Me, I would be FURIOUS! IF ANY OF YOU DARE SUCH A SIN, YOU WILL PAY WITH YOUR LIVES!
Aric,
I am neither a Democrat or a Republican. I make King he who pleases Me most.
Anonymous,
You idiot! Ted Kennedy killed a girl he was boning. George W. killed a 72 year old lady out walking her pomeranian. AND I AM TOO GOD! DAMN YOUR HIDE!
Johns Hopkins,
I WILL USE AS MANY EXCLAMATIONS AS I ME-DAMN LIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This one wasnt as good as the past one. Hating George Bush has been on the lips of everyone for the past eight years, this is nothing new than then what I hear by the protesters on the street. And if he is still driving in 2048 he deserves to die because he will be what 100 years old.
102 actually, and that’s why it’s kinda funny…why wouldn’t he kill him off sooner?
God. sorry to hear about your falling out with my fellow uppity cracka, “W”. he let down a lot of us other crackers, too. why would he tell everyone about your special golf/drinking buddy relationship with us crackers? well, anyway, i hope you don’t revoke the rest of our “straight, white, male american express passes” into heaven’s country club over this. the greens are so impeccably groomed and the caddies are so…well, you know. also, i know you hate anal and all, but can’t us uppity crackas get a little leeway on that one…i mean we are frat brothers and all (alpha-omega, baby!!)
one other thing, tiger woods’ dad—well, he was in the gold bathroom last week (i know—gross). so, he either:
A) snuck in without a SWAMP PASS (Straight-White-American-Male-Property owner), or
B) security at the club needs some serious smiting
“this is nothing new than then what I hear by the protesters on the street.”
You mean the one’s protesting George Bush’s masturbation schedule…?
Did you even read the article or just the headline?
God,
I occasionally correspond with a diety from a different religion and had, at a time in the past, requested this diety to smite George W. Bush. I did what I was supposed to… I sacrificed a cute little bunny on an alter while naked at midnight under the full moon but alas, no smiting was done.
At first I thought my diety had failed me but after reading your blog I’m wondering if you out-Godded her. Can you clarify? Do your wishes trump the wishes of other dieties?
Please don’t smite me for corresponding with other dieties. I’ve just found that all gods are a lot more fun than mere humans.
Nun,
There are no other deities. Only posers. Worship Me!
Dear God,
didn’t You make Bush in Your image? I’m so glad I’m a woman.:)
karin, i think you missed stuff god hates #7. there is NOTHING good about being a woman. we could argue about it, but i’ve got God on my side…so i automatically win.
OOOOHH! SNAP!
Hey, where’s Bridgette? God, you didn’t smite her. Or did you? Bwhahaha!
God,
Thank you for taking the time to answer me. I am truly honored to be graced with a reply from the Lord Almighty.
I’m wondering if You wouldn’t mind clearing up the confusion regarding goddesses. Goddesses claim to be dieties.. You know how women are.. but it seems that You, the Lord Almighty, do not recognize goddesses as dieties. What exactly are goddesses? Besides being sexual playthings for You, the Lord God Almighty.
Thanks, God!!
God is it true that Kula Shaker and the Mahavishnu Orchestra were recently invited to Heaven to perfom for you?
yeah, bridgette hasn’t stoned anyone for like a week now. i hope she didn’t travel to asia and get caught in the middle of a smiting.
You are all betrothed to Satan and will regret your reveling in blasphemy.
“He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him.” — Leviticus 24:16
You had all better be careful lest the real God decide to punish you.
Yo, Bridgette…
”Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measurement ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and them shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:1-5
I don’t expect you to be smart enough to understand that but who knows, stranger things have happened.
In short, worry about your own life and your own damnation.
Bridgette please get a sense of humor. For somebody that hates this blog, you sure do spend a lot of effort prowling all the posts on it.
“Study to be quiet, and to do your own business.” - 1 Thessalonians 4:11
Bloodvarks don’t believe in voodoo.
“We were the best of pals! We had (have) everything in common. I hate snitches, he hates snitches. I hate anal, he hates anal. I hate science, he hates science. You get the picture.”
This really hit a funny chord in my bogey body. Bravo.
yo, bridge…maybe god is bored with dullards. i wrote this for ye:
all you close-minded religious people destroying the world in a battle over who is right…and you’re all the same type of superstitious neanderthalsl!! precious, isn’t it? i grew up in a born again family, preacher’s kid, it took me the first 27 years of my life to come to terms with the fact that everything i have ever been taught is completely illogical. guess what? god never put all the animals on a boat. didn’t happen. the universe is not 6000 years old. sex is not evil. let go of the illusion.
(try studying the greek lexicons and learning aramaic before you go damning everyone to hell with your “absolute truth”)
not trying to post a blog on a blog (sorry if i’m longwinded)
but god must be having a good laugh watching people get all snippy over a joke.
“i don’t want to start any blasphemous rumours, but i think that god’s got a sick sense of humour.”
“not trying to post a blog on a blog (sorry if i’m longwinded)
but god must be having a good laugh watching people get all snippy over a joke.”
Ooooh. Remember what happened to Dick Franing? Matter of fact God, what DID happen to Dick Franing?
crap. you’re right. please don’t smite me God.
so, bridgey-poo…i was wondering when the congregation is going to show up to stone me to death and i was wondering…well, this muslim guy beat his daughter to death for having a crush on a british soldier. what’s the difference? i am waiting for the torches and chants and stoning. what’s the difference? at least they possess the courage of their convictions. i’m waiting, bridgette. what you got? nothing? just the same old rhetoric? please don’t smite me, God.
On the topic of masturbation, my sons girlfriends mother caught her 16 yr. old son spanking it in the shower.
She’s determined that not only is there something wrong with him because he did something so disgusting as to masturbate, but that he is also a homosexual because he must be “fixated on penises” to do such a thing.
Specifically, his own penis.
She has now enrolled him in a Catholic summer camp that also focuses on Turning Homosexuals Back to God. Killing two sins with one stone.
My question to you, God…are you the one who taught this woman that every male that masturbates is a homosexual or is she just being demented, as usual?
Signed,
Concerned For My Own Masturbating Sons Soul
To Bridgette,
Why would you worship a deity that attempted to drown all of his children and succeeded with some, Bridgette? Why not worship Andrea Yates instead, who also attempted to drown all of her children and succeeded with some? Yeah?
She, at least, is alive and breathing and easily proven to exist.
Perhaps the two of you could hook up and go stone her old roommate, Dena Schlosser, who cut the arms off of her baby as an offering to the god that you all share. Are you seeing a pattern here, Bridgette?
You scare me Bridgette. Just saying.
God, you must be in a pretty grumpy mood to be sending everyone but less than 1% of the population of earth’s history to hell for minor things like masturbating. is there anything we can do to cheer you up so we all don’t have to suffer the eternal constant demon rapings and stuff? also, the crusades, your idea? and, mohammed, really doesn’t drink? not ever? is he in AA?
Put a taco under the bar of soap. He will eventually find it.
Java:
If I were you, I would encourage your son to find another girlfriend, since these people are obviously (forgive me God) whacko…
I wonder if the mother has actually ever had an orgasm of her own? I somehow doubt it, since she doesn’t get what her son is doing with his penis in the shower… Imagine, though, now this young man is being redirected by men who are often homosexuals specializing in pedophilia…
I loved your response to Bridgette, who likely also has never had an orgasm, being horribly fat and disgusting to behold.
i don’t get it. what’s he doing with his penis in the shower?
uppitycracka: he had no choice but to take his penis into the shower with him, it is very attached to him and refuses to be separated from him unless under threat of Lorena Bobbitt.
Just a Heretic: I’ve contemplated the implications of adding this woman to the family tree should my son ever marry his girlfriend. It strikes me either as horrifyingly embarrassing or a great opportunity at having some fun at the expense of another’s prudishness.
As to whether she has ever had an orgasm, I would be inclined to think that if she has, it was very rarely and it was never when she was alone. She has an older son in his twenties, whom she is using as an example to her younger son in an effort to teach and humiliate him…”your older brother never touched his penis!”…I heard her shrieking at her son.
“Imagine, though, now this young man is being redirected by men who are often homosexuals specializing in pedophilia…’
Lol. Oh my, shame on me for not thinking of that first. I think I should pass that on to her and really throw her world in a spin.
Does Bridgette have a blog here? Can anyone direct me there, if so?
To Java and all concerned in the Boy and his Mother: Bonding Stories of Jesus and Masturbation.
As the Masturbating Son of Java Christ, whose soul is in dire spiritual peril, I would like to say the following in defense of my associative actions:
The daughter of that crazy penis-loathing nut is nothing like her mother. Amen.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! the comments on this post are frigging hilarious…
Java (post # 43), will the camp be taught by priests? Is the idea to bugger the boys until they give up their homosexual thoughts?
Or maybe man-hating supressed-lesbian nuns, who walk around holding rulers adorned with a tack on the end?
Bridgette sounds like the sort of prude who would arrest people for going naked under their clothes.
Man Life salutes George W, for being a real man’s man, able to do whatever the hell he wants without giving a shit about right, wrong or other. Man Life means not answering to anyone, least of all a sniveling deity.
Man Life also means not wearing a seatbelt just because some namby-pamby at the DOT thinks it’s a good idea.
That is all.
hmmmmm….
God mails one in.
Dear God,
what about Dubya claiming that Osama bin wtfe was responsible for 9-11, did this not detract from your smiting? and also give him the ability to invade babylon in the name of all that is holy? Also I recall him calling it a crusade at one point. How do you feel about crusades?
and are you telling me I can or can’t masturbate, cause I am really confused.
WOOO!
NO MORE YEARS! NO MORE YEARS!
Jon Stewart will actually have to try now. I’ve never seen a crutch as big as his Dubbya impression.
Hey bridgette, you commenting on this blog is equivilant to turning back to Sodom to see it fall. Salt you shall become.
Bridgette tastes salty?
Mmmmm!
Turning your back on Sodom may result on unplanned but hardly surprising consequences. Just saying.
Ben Dover.
Somehow i missed the point. Probably lost in translation
Anyway … nice blog to visit.
cheers, Supermarket.
I’d say all Gods seem to have some problem or other with GW: http://deusexeverriculum.wordpress.com/
I hated GW before he was prez. I hated him when he was Texas gov.