Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today I would like to talk about a building which displeases Me greatly – St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City, USA.
St. Patrick’s is the dumbest cathedral in the world. I hate it with the white hot intensity of a thousand fricking suns. Sure, it might be huge and built to honor Me, but does that mean that I have to love it? Do I have to appreciate every last stupid cathedral that gets built for Me? Hell no. I don’t have to do a Me-Damned thing except stay white and never die.
There are just a lot of little things about St. Patrick’s that really, really bug Me. Pardon Me, did I say little things? I meant gigantic colossal mistakes.
For one, the entire building is made out of white marble. LAME! I, The Almighty Lord, much prefer gray stone. For another, the St. Michael and St. Louis altars were designed by Tiffany & Co. GAY!
Then there’s the bust of Pope John Paul II in the back of the rectory. Yeah, it looks absolutely nothing like him. Looks more like a cross between a drag queen who just got punched in the chops and a severely strung out on heroin Lou Gossett, Jr.
And the list of defects just goes on and on. The spacing on the third row of pews is off by almost a full inch; I’m pretty sure the lead architect was half-retarded. The stained-glass windows are pedestrian and obvious; the spires are too tall; and there is not one single gargoyle present on the entire cathedral. Seriously! Not a single one. Is it too much to ask to get some freaking gargoyles?!
Also, how come no flying buttresses? Not one flying buttress. Oh, I guess the Americans were so technologically advanced they didn’t need anything awesome and cool-looking to prop up and support their fancy-schmancy new cathedral. Jerks.
The whole design of St. Patrick’s is just uninspired. I mean, just look at that picture! It’s hideous. And it’s such a wannabe cathedral. Sorry St. Patty’s, but no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be one of the greats. You’ll never rank up there with the Notre Dames or the Durhams of this world.
You know, a cathedral used to mean something. It used to be a thing of wonder, built by mostly agrarian European peoples over the course of several generations, usually taking several hundred years to complete at the cost of thousands upon thousands of lives and untold misery and hardship.
And what did it take the Americans to complete St. Patrick’s Cathedral? Only 20 years, start to finish, at a cost of a measly 562 lives.
PFF! Not much of a sacrifice if you ask Me.
*Also, why do they let every high school choir come and sing there? I’d rather listen to an elderly cat getting scraped against a cheese-grater.
Naytheist on 
Foppl's Siege Party on 
Obie on 
Hume Cronyn on 
Assfly on 
Willy on 
tc on 
The Shitty Astrologer on 
Dexquisite on 
It’s a cheese grater, but I’m not usually one to correct Omnipotent supernatural beings.
God, do you hate Saint Patrick? Or the fact there’s a cathedral named after him? I mean, after all, there’s no cathedral named GOD.
Does this mean that The Almighty God hates high school choirs? One can only hope!
Rev. Reed Braden,
DAMN YOUR SPELLING! DON’T TRY TO CORRECT ME FOR I AM INFALLIBLE! IF I SAY IT’S SPELLED CHEESE GRADER, THAT’S WHAT IT IS FROM NOW ON!!!
And yes. All high school choirs and marching bands are terrible in My Sight.
why do you do this?
this is the stupidest blog i’ve ever read
Rev. Reed is no Rev. Run
WHO’S HOUSE?? RUN’S HOUSE!!
Cheese grader - The traditional method of assessing cheese quality is by organoleptic assessment by a cheese grader. To assess the cheese, the cheese grader visually examines the outside, and an inner core of the cheese. Examination of the sample core, immediately on withdrawal from the cheese, provides the grader with indices of aroma, color, texture and body. These typically form the basis of traditional approaches to cheese grading.
Personally, I rather enjoy the mental image of an “elderly cat getting scraped against a cheese-grader”. But, I’m odd like that.
LMAO good post God!
Dear God,
I think anything dedicated to you that does not bear you name is not really for your glory but instead for the glory of the builder. I submit as evidence “Kirk Franklin and the Family” They say the chior is for your glory but have you recieved any checks? Do the Grammys have your name on it?
I think Kirk and the rest of those glory hogs deserve some heavy smitting. They’re taking food out your mouth. Lets get some Old Testimate ass whipping going.
Your humble servant,
Josh
White Parent & Josh,
Excellent point. Why no God Cathedral? It’s frigging insulting.
Josh, believe Me, Kirk Franklin and the Family are on My Smiting To-Do-List, along with a million other Christian music/rock groups. I agree - they seek only to glorify themselves.
Java:
The cheese grader comment was as entertaining as the post itself. Thanks for the laugh!
God:
I took this post to mean: It’s not the size of your edifice that counts, but the verity of your piety…
God grades cheese? Or is He a cheese taster?
If so, what are Your thoughts on blue cheese?
*rushes to fridge and hastily makes cheese sandwich*
God,
Recently the large cathedral next to my building here in … get this…. Bethlehem, was bought by a lawyer and is being converted into a house of sin and fornication… I mean night club. What’s you’re feeling about this type of gentrification?
I know your no fan of dancing but how do you feel about house music and drunken fornication in a building dedicated to your worship?
Your angel of irony (and Jew),
Bloom
p.s. The lawyer sold me one of those holy water bowl things and I made the worlds holiest screw driver. What type of well drink would His Holiness most like to bless?
read all 22. laughed my mortal ass off. i love the people who miss the irony of statements like,
“god doesn’t hate anyone you stupid f*cking f*ck!!! f*ck you!!!”–that’s a nice way to represent the eternal love of your eternal god, isn’t it? or how the christian chick would point out that whosoever blasphemes will be stoned by the congregation…ha! and the christians think they are holier than the muslims. well, start stoning then, i guess.
Reed Braden aint no Dick Franing.
How does God feel about St. Patrick’s Day? And why doesn’t God have a holiday? Jesus basically has two. God you need to get a day/week/month. I could use the time off work.
I never was a big Tiffany fan, I was more of Joan Jett fan. And a Tiffany pearl necklace kind of scares me, some people are into that but not me.
Hi, God. Nice to speak with You again. I have a silly question that maybe (ha!) You can answer: When someone says “God damn it!” without citing a specific object of damnation, do You just randomly choose something or someone to damn, or do You try to ascertain the damnable Thing?
Hey God-
Not to nitpick, but when You say God Damn, shouldn’t it really be Me Damn or something? As in “I don’t have to do a Me Damn thing about it!” Otherwise you are speaking in the third person…
… which you can do because you are God. But it sounds weird. To me. I’m just sayin’…
CB,
I agree. I will bless you for your grammar suggestion.
That “Me-Damned thing” was the best line in post. I thank you God, for the giving cb the guption(sp?) to correct you. And the “except stay white and never die” was classic also.
God is a maddox wannabe.
Thing about maddox is that he rules, he is invincible and doesn’t need the label of “god” for that.
God, you’re a wannabe. Cute blog though.
PS: When is second coming really coming? I’m getting bored.
“He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him.” — Leviticus 24:16
Dear God,
I can’t stop laughing. Thank You SO MUCH for the “Gargoyles” picture.
*snicker*
I always wondered what You did with all that free time.
Now I know.
What are some of Your other hobbies?
(Should I have capitalized Hobbies? I mean, since they’re Yours and all.)
[...] Clinton, Science, Dancing, Cats, and Asia… Just don’t try and correct his spelling. For the lord is infallible… Rev. Reed Braden: It’s a cheese grater, but I’m not usually one to correct Omnipotent [...]
Thank God for that!
How about gargoyles with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads?
Congratz on over 100K hits. One question can you smite everybody trying to save Africa (Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Oprah, Nelson Mendela…)? One suggestion, please tell Robert Smith (the Cure) that at age 49 being goth is kind of creepy. It’s really creepy actually.
“I hate it with the passion of a thousand fricking suns.”
Far be it for me to correct the Lord Almighty but I think you hate it with the white hot intensity of a thousand fricking suns. If you’re gonna quote Cheers you should do it right, God.
Please don’t kill me.
29,
I am feeling merciful today, so instead of killing you for your insolence I will bless you for your input.
Perhaps you could have them turn it into a shopping mall - you know, like that churchy-thingy in Philadelphia.
Then, when you get them to build you a new little cathedral, perhaps you could INSPIRE THEM PROPERLY and not embarass yourself again!
God…
Hate the cathedral, not the day… I don’t think I could get through the god-awful month of March without a big, healthy dollop of booze right there in the middle of the month!
You have converted me, you big-almighty-son-of-a-bitch! Thank You we have you. Or something like that!
Doesn’t God have a “holiday?” It’s every Sunday (or Saturday depending on your view of Him.) I, for one, get a lot of rest on the Sabbath, but that’s because I am generally nursing a wicked hangover. And I thank Him that I still have my keys/wallet/pants from the night before.
Thank God, God doesnt know God from God. St Pat’s church is actually a temple pouring forth Hindoos at a specific frequency (which incidentally synchronizes with the tolling of a bell in Westminister Abbey,normalizing for GMT) who try to asianize members of other religion. Every Christmas, though, St Patrick produces a Grand Shinto Master.
@Bridgette, what’s your fucking point, you want us all to stone you? Because you keep on comment-spamming the same crap all the time, which is bad enough on any blog, but this here is the blog of God! Trolling God’s blog is blasphemy! So I say we stone your bony ass.
Now don’t keep it up, you’ll only be making it worse for yourself …
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNeq2Utm0nU
hahahahaHAHAHAHAHA fuckin’ great Dionysus
Do you not still have The Compaq Center to your credit?
Dear GOD, when will Armageddon come?
I am so bored.
Man Life takes serious offense to the insult upon Lou Gossett Jr, star of not one, not two, not three, but FOUR incredible installments of Iron Eagle. Man Life salutes Col. Chappy Sinclair, and shame on “god” for daring to oppose such a military force.
#35
Bloodvort established earlier on in this blog that Bridgette is a fatty.
also God as said she is doing his good work. So we should respect her, even if that is not reciprocated. I think?
how do you feel about st. louis cathedral in new orleans? it’s pretty fucking nice and wasn’t damaged in the floods really. makes me think someone might have a soft spot for it and just isn’t saying anything.
On this day, 21 September 2008, I, Smoggy Batzrubble of Noo Zillund, son of Mama Batzrubble (deceased in childbirth) and Papa Batzrubble (serial killer–executed), post this message in praise of Almighty God, the Omniscient, the Omnipotent, and the Fiercest SMITING Bastard in the universe, who has granted me a great victory in my contest with the Pagan Priestess Anne (spitting staples) Johnson.
For evidence to support my faith I refer you to “God on the Internet” postings 600 and 609.
Praise be to God. This message is posted on every thread in HIS honor.
Signed
Servant Smoggy
AMEN