Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this entry, I, the Lord God Almighty, choose to focus My Righteous Rage on demon cats that want to suck out your soul and kill your children while they sleep.
I hate cats! Especially kittens. Cats are evil, and their insolence encourages humans to become atheist blood-suckers.
Just for the record, I’d like to say right now that I had absolutely nothing to do with their creation. Cats are demons sent to Earth by Satan to infect humans with sin parasites and wreak general havoc. I first noticed them when they pounced out of hell 5,000 years ago and seized control of Egypt. Once in power, they immediately set about enslaving My Jews, forcing them to build the stupid worthless Pyramids.
Long have Lucifer’s race of demon cats brought devastation to My People! In fact, cats are directly responsible for 90% of history’s most evil events. It was a cat who convinced Adolph Hitler to kill My Jews (and to wear a mustache). The Holocaust, Slavery, The Sinking of the Titanic, The Hindenburg Disaster, The Teapot Dome Scandal, The Cancellation of Studio 60, Carlos Mencia - all of these atrocities occurred because of cats.
Also, they like to scratch up your couch and pee on your brand new feather comforter. And sometimes they even poop on your chest while you’re sleeping. I’ve seen these tragedies happen far too many times.
And so I created dogs! Dogs chase and devour cats at every opportunity. Oh! How I wish humans could be more like dogs! They are decent, obedient, and love you unconditionally without question – even if you beat them. They set a great example.
If you be a true believer* in Me, The Almighty God, you will do as I say. I proclaim to you now - if you see a cat, you kill a cat! If a cat follows your son home from the comic book store, grab it by the nape of its neck and drown it while your son watches.
If you go to your new neighbor’s house for dinner and see that he owns a cat, walk right over and snap its neck. I promise you, Satan’s spell will be broken and your neighbor will thank you for it.
If you know an old woman who has a great many cats, go and burn her house down, being careful to shoot her or any kittens that try to escape. If you do these things for Me, I will bless you and your family all of your life.
I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.
*If you are allergic to cats, you are a good person and will go to Heaven.
Ralph on 
freebiesss on 
TheEvilOverlord on 
God on 
Craig on 
samanta on 
ShunRenHu on 
It is the truths such as this that convince me this truly is gods own blog!
Yea, dogs are much better than cats, and easier to electrocute, hang, and throw into the ground when they FUCKING LOSE A FIGHT YOU HAVE $1,000 ON!!!!
This was really wack, you running out of things to write about.
This is not a new idea blog, it is simply what God hates. Im sure Gami has things that they hate that other people think are lame. Dont make God mad or he will turn you into a cat and release the hounds. Right God?
Hates women.
Hates cats.
Hmmm…seeing a trend here.
Hates pussy in all its forms….but also hates anal….
Either he’s an abject misogynist or a closeted gay man…
…or from Texas…
That there is smite talk. Watch out.
… and on top of that you didn’t capitalize ‘He’
I almost feel bad your going to get gang raped by demons in lab coats.
LOL Carlos Mencia. You still got it God!
I use to have a cat. I can’t tell you the number of times I woke up in the middle of the night to find him intently staring at me while standing on my chest. Come to think of it, that purring sound does sound a little demonic.
Does God only hate only domestic cats? What about Lions, Leopards, and Tigers? Though they’re mostly Africa natives so, he must hate them. But wild cats make awesome predators, i.e. Siegfried and Roy.
DAMN YOU LARRY GAMI!! I AM NOT HERE FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT!!
YOU CAT-OWNER!! I SMITE YOU!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0kfe5tkdD4&feature=related
mmmmmm……demons…..
Awww… but I love cats. I guess God and I will just have to agree to disagree.
Cooper,
I hate ALL cats - of course including lions. Those demonic beasts ate My People in Roman times! This is why to this day I still bless all lion poachers.
“He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him.” — Leviticus 24:16
Cats are’nt evil, but you are!
If you hate all cats so much, god, then why did you bless the Fighting Tigers of LSU and allow them to stomp ohio state into the ground to win the 2007 BCS national championship?
Also, thanks a lot for smiting Mike V on the day of my graduation. Suck a long fat one, god (and since its not anal, you are ok with that, right?).
Please tell me then next entry on “stuff god hates” is going to be the BCS. AP sportswriters are the spawn of satan and cheaty petey carrol.
Yay the return of Bridgette!
Yay, the return of are’nt!
Bridgette’s right though.
God is evil. Why else would so much suffering go unabated in the face of an omnipotent being?
i know someone who’s cat shit on his chest. that reason alone is enough to absolutely love cats.
god, you buggin’ yo
God,
Do you have a special smitting in mind for Stephen King, the writer of the movie Cat’s Eye? It is a movie that shows cats as heros.
I am sure that it was Satan long with the arch-demon known as Andrew Lloyd Webber that made the musical Cats the longest running musical in Broadway history (personally I thought it was crap).
Your humble servant,
Josh
Dear God,
Why not hate natural disasters? Or do you love them? Is that why there have been two in as many weeks that have killed tens of thousands? Do you make them happen in Asia because those people don’t believe in you?
Love,
Chunque
Yeah the musical “Cats” was horrible. I wish god would have smitten me during that 3-hour piece of garbage.
Josh,
Indeed, Satan was responsible for the success of the musical “Cats.” He even inserted himself into the show as “Mr. Mestopheles.” It took Me and My Team of Angels until 2000 to get that wretched demonic filth off of Broadway.
And for that, I am deeply sorry.
wow…didn’t see that one coming…why are they so adorable then God? You know my cat Hobbes is an obediant, albeit crazy creature that isn’t afraid to show her love…..some cats act like dogs…anyways I thoroughly disagree here…if anything when they poop on your chest while your sleeping it makes for a great memory…one to be divulged, elaborated on and laughed at for years to come by those who witnessed it (the un-pooped on).
Hater.
BTW, David Brooks — love or hate?
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/13/opinion/13brooks.html?ref=opinion
You know what I especially hate?
Cats with one eye.
I notice You have been slowing down with the posts. Is God taking final exams too?
Terps,
No, not final exams, whatever those are. I am very busy smiting China right now. Also, My Parents are in town this week, and I rarely get to see them.
Sweet! I’m extra allergic to cats. I can’t wait to get to heaven and start getting head from hot angel-wenches.
God, you don’t have parents, no one came before you! You are the first cause, the first designer. You’re blowing my FUCKING mind man!
YES! I am allergic. I always thought THAT was why I hated cats… because I never could get close enough to one to love it …but no. I just don’t like them.
Not to mention that a certain cat recently threatened to smite you with a wet noodle….
That’s why Studio 60 was canceled? Cats? I’ve always been suspicious of the foul furry felines, but now I have Sacred Truths from the Almighty on my side!
Smite one for me, God!
Dogs for the win. I totally agree. Cats are evil snotty little bastards.
I am happy to learn that you did not create them. My faith in you is restored!
“Cats are evil, and their insolence encourages humans to become atheist.”
Truth. I have cats and I am an atheist. But I am also the Catalyst for the Apocalypse, or so the homeless guy on the corner with the miniature bibble says, so it stands to reason that my minions would be feline.
I think you underestimate the feline mafia. Cats will one day rule the world and it will start with dogs. We’ve already managed to convince the one dog in our household that he too is really a cat in canine disgiuse.
Only 400 million more to go…
[...] why do they let every high school choir come and sing there? I’d rather listen to an elderly cat getting scraped against a [...]
If you hate cats, you must see American Psycho! There’s a scene where the main character kills a cat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5yYEX9dV34I
i love cats
will you strike me down now? i can’t resist cats.
Dear God,
since you don’t exist and cats have the advantage of existing, I choose to love them instead of you.
No hard feelings…
Wow, god, you don’t like cats? Lucky for my cats that I worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
His noodly appendages sometimes drop them some meatballs.
wow, bridgette had something else to say!
The problem with cats is that they leave their damn hair all over the place, on your carpet, on your clothes, on your food too.
I suggest that all cats and anything with cat fur on them should be set ablaze.
Why else would doG spelled backwards be God?
[...] At least I’m not the only one. [...]
As I was reading this, I thought “Oh hell. I know some idiot is going to read this blog and actually go out and shoot a cat.” I can only hope people aren’t that redneck retarded. Also, why is it, God, that people in the south are stupid?
Hmm anyways…..I read this blog all the time and I love it. I laugh at the fact that you hate women because welllll I hate women too. I find them annoying and insipid. (the funny thing is, I am a girl. And I’m bi.)
But anyhow, I love this, it’s so funny, keep going =)
(p.s. I love cats. A lot.)
tee hee
God, You should have only create one type of pussy and left it at that!
Chris
Cats are evil creatures created by Satan who turn people towards Atheism. That’s why i love them!
Have you seen the dead raccoon sprawled out in my pictures?
It’s likely he was following a cat home to get some kitty chow when that “Jaguar” smote him!
In that position he kind of looks like a dead dog…
Why not get a large dog and force him to protect his cat friends by raising them together from birth?
And you can eat that dead raccoon now god.
(all weather atheist- atheist nexus. )
I have two adorable little kittens.
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.
oh, well, i guess i’m damned then. then again, if you smite my kitties Ninja Cat and Puddle will come after you. Some fae get VERY ANNOYED when you smite their personal animals.
if you can’t find matching socks, you’ll know who to blame!