Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
With the Pope visiting America, today I’d like to talk about something which displeases Me greatly - the pope-mobile.
Now for the most part, I love My Popes. I enjoy talking with them via the Pope-phone and handing down important messages such as: condoms are evil, anal sex is evil, and Friday is the day to eat fish.
And I’m a big, big fan of the current guy, Pope Benedict XVI. He’s My kind of Pope – tough like a marine but crazy like a ninja. Way better than the last guy, old Whats-His-Face-Whiny-Bitch II. Trained by the Nazis to be a stone cold killer when he was just a boy, Benedict still keeps his Hitler Youth knife tucked safely under his pillow when he sleeps. Like I said, My kind of Pope.
Which is why it’s so disappointing for Me to see him using the pope-mobile. Not only does it make him look like a total wuss, it shows a distinct lack of faith in My Divine Protection over him.
By riding behind bulletproof glass, it’s almost like he’s saying to the world, “if you try to shoot me, God will not save me! I’ll just get shot and die!”
Which is SO not true! I would totally stop those bullets in mid-air, just like Keanu Reeves in the Matrix. But no. I’ll never get the chance to prove My Awesome Bullet-Stopping-Powers because of the stupid gay-ass pope-mobile.
Seriously, what could be more cowardly than hiding behind bulletproof glass? It’s embarrassing. He looks like such a pansy in that thing.
I mean, this guy is supposed to be representing ME, the Blessed Lord and Master of the Entire Universe, on Earth. He should be out running marathons and pulling boats around with his teeth. That Jack Lalanne would’ve made such a great pope.
Another ballsy guy I always wished could’ve become Pope was that stuntman Evil Knievel. Now he had some serious balls. If only he didn’t already have ‘evil’ in his name. Oh well.
So anyway, I hate the pope-mobile. And I guess I’m kind of mad at Benedict for using it and looking like such a super-lame.
Ah! But who am I kidding? I just can’t stay mad at him. He’s really helped out My Church…a lot! Seriously. Over the years he’s done whatever it took to keep those prepubescent snitches quiet.
Ralph on 
freebiesss on 
TheEvilOverlord on 
God on 
Craig on 
samanta on 
ShunRenHu on 
i saw that thing..they treat him like hes god on earth.
Indeed.
Maybe one day he will forget how to breathe.
We can all dream.
God? Isn’t Sunday your day of rest?
Hey SWPL,
Look at the date on your comment. What are you talking about? It’s Monday!
Nothing says Catholocism like Nazi Youth and anal sex - Benedict’s faves!
i’m really enjoying the length of your blogs. any chance they’ll get any shorter?
Never has sacrilege been so funny.
I love how the Pope was a Nazi Youth and claims he had no choice. Clearly he had a choice but felt his life was more important than his beliefs. God you sure can pick em.
Your humble servant,
Josh
Dude, you are sooooo gonna get fried for posting this. Seriously. Like you should take some stock in lightning bolts maaan. F’real dude.
Pouting Thomas
Not only does he look like a wuss riding in that thing, but it’s a Mercedes! Who does he think he is - OSHO???
But I guess that Mercedes thing fits in with the Hitler Youth thing, so that’s just being consistent…
You know what was REALLY wussy?!?!?!?
To broadcast his landing, live, they actually interrupted a broadcast of ‘Judge Judy’!!! Now, I always knew you doted on your Grandma - so you have a good talking to this Pope Maledict, and explain to him what’ll happen if he interrupts her show again. Ever!
Xanthippa,
I am glad Pope Benedict’s landing blotted out Judge Judy. Women should never be allowed to judge anything.
That is no way to speak about your Grandmother!!!
Plus, analyzing the linguistic similarities, I always kind of thought YOU spoke YOUR judgement through her! How else could she be so popular???
Yeah, but if you manage to stop him, he sells great ice-creams…..that may only make sense if you live in the UK where they have ice cream vans….that look like the pope…maybe that was the pope I bought a strawberry sunrise from.
God,
Wouldn’t it be a better show of Your power if You allowed any bullets fired at said pope to penetrate the “bullet-proof” glass and then totally stop the bullets before they hit him?
Not to be presumptuous or anything.
Why is Friday the day to eat fish God? I hate fish.
JACK LALANNE FTW!! hahahahahaha
God, do you like my juicer?
Do you drink juice, at all?
Do you make your own, or do you buy it over the counter
God,
Wasn’t his name spelled “Evel”….? Doesn’t that make him less Evil? Or do You believe homophones are a lifestyle choice, rather than congenital?
Also wasn’t Evel a big follower of yours?
Just wondering. You can strike me now.