Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
It’s not easy for Me to admit this, but I’ve hated that fame-whore Mary ever since she came up to Heaven and started trying to boss Me around. She’s been walking around up there like she owns the place for two thousand years now, and quite frankly, I’ve had all I can take of her bitching.
Seriously, who the hell does that wench think she is? Oh, sure, she’s the ‘mother’ of Jesus. But only because I, the Blessed Lord of the Entire Universe, made it so.
Before I picked Mary to be the surrogate mother for My son, she was a nobody. People would’ve never known she existed if it wasn’t for Me.
Honestly, all she ever did was receive My Divine Sperm and pump out a child. Sure, she provided her human egg. So what?
And I’m sick of hearing people call her ‘The Virgin’ Mary. She wasn’t a virgin, ok? She was only called that because she had sex with so many virgins. By the time I got to her she had already devirginized half the stable boys in Nazareth.
And after she became known as the Mother of the Son of Me, I had to watch her (I have to watch everything) cheat on Joseph with an entire legion of Roman soldiers.
Maybe I should have paradropped Jesus into Nazareth a full grown man, and just let people wonder where this miracle-maker came from. You know, in retrospect, that would’ve been much more impressive.
Wow! I feel a lot better now having gotten that off My Chest. I mean, I still want to smite her (of course), but I can probably resist the urge now for another couple millenia or so.
Well anyway, hopefully no one in Heaven ever finds out about this blog of Mine and tells Jesus or Mary. It might make things a bit awkward at home.
Ralph on 
freebiesss on 
TheEvilOverlord on 
God on 
Craig on 
samanta on 
ShunRenHu on 
uh Oh
Well, THAT one will get you some comments! Prepare for the Catholic wrath, oh Lord!
Cheer up, God! Everyone knows she’s hopeless. There’s a reason for the term “Hail Mary pass.”
I always thought Mary was kind of hot. Must be the name.
Oh, sure, just like a male!
Sweet-talk a girl, tell her you love her for her mind and eloquence - and once the kids arrive and some responsibilities fall your way, you scram!
Now, whe’s no longer ‘intelligent’ - she’s ’shrewed’. And she’s no longer ‘eloquent’ - she’s ‘nagging’! At least my Socrates had the decency to drink some hemlock instead of this incessant whining!
Get over her!
So she dumped you and married that Joseph dude! You practically DROVE her into his arms! And all you can do now is pout and wonder how much better Joseph must have been in the sack, since she only bore you one whiny kid, but bore him a whole bunch of strong sons!
Or is this something much more Freudian: is somebody perhaps having some guilty feelings about having impregnated his own mother???? Could all this ranting be a symptom of unresolved sexual feelings towards one’s own Mommy?
i don’t have anything positive to say about this post. just make sure the vatican doesn’t see it. you’ve either got to be athiest or another religion that hates catholics and christians to have the kind of balls to post this.
just my opinion…
Uh, Lord, what’s your take on pro athletes invoking your name on the job?
i didn’t read this, due to length, but i can say the virgin mary is a stupid face.
The Unpleasant Jew is a stupid face
Both of these jews have faces which are stupid, so pipe down.
Oedipus…your not good enough for Nazareth, your going to Bethlehem…
Dear God are you sure you aren’t just mad cause I poked yo old lady when you was fighting Satan and stuff. Are you still mad about that.
That was a great take on it. Finally someone who thinks outside of the damn box. It takes forever to find a good piece on religion that is not trying to recruit or discredit religion. I thought it was super funny and worth reading again. LOL. Thanks for a good laugh. ^_^
- Jamey
Personally, I love watching sports and spend most of My Time helping teams win and players perform well.
The winners in sports have always received My Divine Blessing, so it is proper that they always thank Me after the game.
You’re far too indignant and juvenile for this to be really funny. It shoots right past satire straight into…I don’t know, Rush Limbaugh? Lighten your touch, add some smarts. This could be good in the right hands. I suppose, though, you’ve got the whole world in yours, so perhaps you haven’t got any room left over for funny.
- JP
YOU STUPID MORTAL! DAMN YOU! I AM NOT TRYING TO BE FUNNY!
I am growing extremely weary of humans commenting and saying, ‘oh that was so funny,’ or ‘that wasn’t funny.’
What the hell are you people talking about?!?
THIS IS MY PAIN! Maybe if you only knew what it was like to have the whole world in your hands, in your hands, you would be more understanding.
Please stop mocking My Feelings by deeming them funny or unfunny!
Heed these words or I shall be forced to smite you!
SMITE ME! O MIGHTY SMITER!
lol, the Catholic church is gonna have your head on a plate.
God,
I won’t say your funny (you might throw thunder at me). I would just like to ask why you created so many languages. We puny humans could not understand each other.
Now im forced to study Mandarin! God, that’s 5000 characters! I wished you just sticked to Cuneiform or other primitive alphabets out there.
Oh well.
Still remains your servant,
Remy
So your idea of creativity is to insult the Blessed Virgin Mary? To insult Someone whom you probably don’t even believe exist in the first place? Reflects the high pinnacle of intelligence you have reached, that you attach such a label to every single person or object you see. Ridiculous. Be careful whom you chose to degrade. You might just received a hundredfold in return.
[...] reading only four or five posts, I was left shaken and disgusted. The post about My Mother deeply offended and saddened Me. The cursing! The shouting! The blind rage! On behalf of Me and My [...]
Dear Chris,
Why always the fucking parables? Don’t you know any other literary devices AT ALL?
why are religious people so dumb?
Dear god, i pray for world peace.
I pray that people would think twice about what they do so that the whole world would be a better place.
I pray that people would not be greedy, or vengeful.
I pray that people become understanding.
I pray that you do something that will make everyone realize that they need to watch out for each other.
I pray that wars stop and that borders disappear.
I pray for all nations to come together as a whole.
I pray that you go do something useful.
God, you are an old angry white man and that is the truth.
This post will self destruct in 9,000 years.
how dare you say such filthy gossips and lies.
it ain’t funny for me
Do something else useful in LIFE, “god”
HA! you’re a fucking turd.
why all caps for LIFE?
do you mean the magazine or the cereal?
this prayer request is gibberish.
how do you expect Him to grant your request if you can’t express yourself?!
DIE, HEATHEN SCUM!!!!!!!
Duro contra la reina de todas la putas,¡ La perra virgen Maria !!!