Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this entry I will focus My Divine Rage on a species of human I have long hated – cops.
Their very existence is evil in My Sight because Only I, the Lord your God, have the power to enforce laws and punish the wicked.
Also though…I got some bad history with cops (or pigs* as I like to call them).
See back in Roman times, when I was walking around Earth as teen Jesus, the pigs loved giving Me a hard time. Every time I went to market, there they were, following Me around just ‘cause I had long hair and wore sandals.
And it didn’t stop as I got older either. Man, those pigs had it out for Me. Every town I went to they’d be waiting to take Me in for ‘questioning.’ That means they gave Me beatings.
It didn’t seem to matter how many miracles I performed or how many people I cured – motherf#$%ing pigs never gave me a moments rest. Ended up crucifying My Ass.
Of course, they were just jealous of My Fly God powers. Stupid pigs spend their whole lives thinking they’re Me, just ‘cause they got a badge and a gun. But they’re not. Shit…they ain’t shit.
Pigs gotta lotta nerve.
*This is why the ancient Jews thought they couldn’t eat pork. One time I was telling Moses how I hate pigs and he got confused.
Naytheist on 
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Love the subscript!!
So does that mean you love NWA and their hit f the police?
fuck cops
is your hatred of “pigs” the reason why you created the bicycle cop? nothing funnier than a 5′2”, 350 lb. donut-eating machine riding a huffy. pretty much any fleet-of-foot criminal is safe, thats why american cops have guns. the bicycle cop is one use of my tax dollars i wholeheartedly approve of, because i always enjoy a good laugh at a cop’s expense.
if you hate cops so much, why did you ask me to betray you, and hand you over to them?
Capcode,
Yes, I am a big fan of NWA and that song. I blast it out the windows of My Chariot every time I roll through My Heavenly Hood.
Judas,
For the last time, I didn’t ask you to betray Me. I just said that I knew you would. Out of all My homies, you were always the one I thought would be the informer. And I was right.
You think you got it bad? Vishnu can’t go into a seven-eleven without being followed around like he’s going to shoplift the whole rack of Ding-Dongs. Can’t a four-armed deity shop in peace?
The cops won’t ever leave Buddha alone - just because he smiles all the time they assume he’s coked up.
And you think the cops at the airport ever let Muhammad on the plane without a strip search? He hasn’t made a flight on time in years.
So stop bitching.
God,
You claim to hate cops and yet you claim to be white, there is an error in that argument. Cops love white people (I guess because most cops are white, and the minority cops fear the lawyers of white non-cops).
I know in Brooklyn where I live, there were never any cops there to help us, until the neighborhood became gentrified now cops are always around to lend a helping hand.
Your humble servant,
Josh
God, when you swear, are you taking your own name in vain?
Josh,
I may be white, but that does not mean I can’t hate cops. I am the Lord; you cannot possibly understand Me.
White Parent,
Don’t be silly. It is impossible for Me to take My Own Name in vain.
hahaha
nice length. i read this one. traffic cops suck.
Me thinks God got pulled over tearing down the 405 in His IROC Camaro at 4am last Saturday night… again.
Ugh!!? Reality check, please!
If the ‘Ass’ got crucified, what did You ride into Jerusalem on?
We’re all doomed. God’s got Alzheimer’s.
Anthony North,
Haha, very funny. For that slight, now you have Alzheimer’s.
“He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him.” — Leviticus 24:16
Also, “He that ordereth the eggs combo after NOON, he shall surely be forced to choose something from the lunch menu, and all the staff shall certainly laugh at his mistake.” - Gospel according to Brunch 13:22
So will they be put to death first and then stoned? Or will they be stoned and THEN put to death?
Also, if you happened to be a fat girl named Bridgette, would they use entire boulders instead of stones?
And would they let bloodvarks clean up the mess after you were squashed?
How about movie cops?
Not TV show ones, I can see why you’d hate Caruso, but, say, there are some good movie cops!
Like Die Hard, and so on…
zanthip….xantipp….greek horse person makes a great point. What about Axel Foley? He’s not just likable, he’s gosh-darned endearing!
Greek horse person does make a good point.
I’m willing to make exceptions for fictional, fun-loving cops like Axel Foley and Robocop. Another movie cop I like is that Riggs from Lethal Weapon. He’s crazy, yet sensitive too.
yo, that fucker up in comment 11 isn’t me. he doesn’t know shit about length. i bet it was the pleasant jew looking for attention.
man. i’m so pissed i’m not even gonna tell you what i thought about the length of this blog.
fucking gay!
I LOVE Lethal Weapon!
And, the DUMB chicks die! Bonus!
Do you consider Tubbs and Crockett pigs? Also, why don’t you just mutate “pigs” into actual pig animals?
God, I ask you everyday for ’strength and wisdom”, yet I’m weak as hell, and dumb as rock. Why don’t you like me?
I hate cops too, God. I’m glad we have something in common!
Pleasant or Unpleasant, both are annoying.
hey wee hughie. ya know what’s annoying? your stupid pink eraser head face.
[...] July, 2008 Well, God doesn’t like the competition, I’m sure… but yea, he hates cops. See back in Roman times, when I was walking around Earth as teen Jesus, the pigs loved giving Me a [...]