Stuff God Hates

HARK! I HAVE MADE A SPECIAL APPEARANCE ON SECRETJEW.COM!

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
LOVE ME! I love you. I sacrificed My only son to be brutally raped and crucified just to save you all from eternal damnation. If I hadn’t done that, I would have had to send you all to burn in hell. Only now do you realize just how much I love you.

And yet there are so many of you I do not love. So many of you are faithless cowards. There are so many of you I must destroy.

This work keeps Me quite busy. I have been heavily engaged lately in the ongoing destruction of the satanic city of New Orleans. I FUCKING HATE NEW ORLEANS!

It wasn’t always this way. I used to look upon the city from up on High with fondness. And then in the February of 1996 I went there with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. And I saw what a blasphemous sham the city had become!

First of all, I learned you could now just buy beads from anyone to see coed tits. In My Day you made those with love and care at home.

Secondly, both Jesus and The Holy Spirit hooked up and somehow I, The Lord of the Universe, didn’t. The Holy Spirit snagged this one slutty 15-year-old coed, and even Jesus got a hand-job from a tranny. And God Almighty ended up drinking bourbon by himself down on Canal Street.

WELL THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT!

I decided then and there to obliterate New Orleans forever! I decided to wipe it off the face of My Earth!

I HATE MARDI GRAS! I HATE JAZZ! I HATE CAJUN FOOD! AND I ESPECIALLY HATE THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE THERE! Not because they’re so very black though. Just…because.

New Orleans is a city full of flagrant, in-your-face sinners! I cannot allow such a haven of sin to exist!

I should have succeeded in destroying the city for good when I sent Hurricane Katrina. But Satan intervened to provide aid and weapons to the people there.

I attempted to destroy their football team the Saints. I hate that team. They are a blasphemous bunch of basterd assholes. Not once have they taken the time to honor one actual Saint. Nor have they ever let a real Saint play on their team. Mother Teresa would have been a great place-kicker.

BUT I DIGRESS! Satan stepped in once again to help the damn Saints win the frigging stupid Superbowl.

This is why last week I had the Angelic Special Forces detonate a bomb inside an oil rig in the Gulf Ocean. So that the city of New Orleans would become covered in oil and so that it’s water supply would be poisoned for a thousand generations! HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

TAKE THAT YOU STUCK-UP BITCHES!

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
BEHOLD! I am the great and sovereign Lord. Dare not to presume to have figured out Me and all of MY ways. I made everything and I control everything. I am doing 10,000 things in Haiti and all around the world at this very moment.

Since last we met, I have smote over 200,000 ugly Haitians (and climbing!) with a few of My Divine Earthquakes, and I must say I’ve never felt better!

There’s just something about slaughtering a whole bunch of Haitians that just makes you feel young again!

I’ve killed old Haitians and young Haitians. I’ve killed Haitian dogs and Haitian cats, and even Haitian parakeets.

I, The Almighty Lord God, have slain every manner of Haitian lifeform, and I’m damn proud of My Work!

THAT’S WHY I SHOULD GET FULL CREDIT FOR THE DESTRUCTION WROUGHT UPON HAITI!

Some “Christians” dare to wonder, how could a benevolent and loving God let tens of thousands of “innocent” people die in an earthquake?

FUCK YOU, BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT, WHELP!

Some “Christians” have even had the gall to suggest that it was not I, The Almighty Lord, who authorized the destruction of Haiti by earthquake. They claim that I don’t control the weather, and that I am instead to be found in the help, money, and goodwill flooding into Haiti.

BULLSHIT! There ain’t a disaster in the world that strikes without first getting fucking say-so from Me, THE FUCKING LORD!

This animation of a Haitian boy clearly shows why Haitians are satanic.

And you won’t be finding Me in any of the money or goodwill being sent to Haiti by self-righteous pricks. I’m not part of any of that.

Why would I be? I could have - at any point - stopped the earthquake in Haiti and saved as many Haitian lives as I wanted. But instead I chose not to. I mean, I had a fleeting notion. But then I thought, no, let’s do this thing. The death and the misery of thousands of helpless poor people is just way too funny for Me to pass up.

Why do I hate Haiti? Why not? It’s why they exist. To be hated by Me. Just in case I solve all the other problems in the world and run out of things to hate, I know that I will always have Haiti in My Backpocket, to have and to hate. I will always be able to punish the people of Haiti, and they shall always suffer and writhe in agony, even when everyone else is fine.

I am the Divine Hater, and they are My Haitee.

If you feel guilty for how blessed you are, then go ahead and donate money to help Haiti, if you absolutely must. This will only make it more satisfying a year from now when I smite the country into oblivion yet again.

Tags: God, Haiti

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
THAT’S RIGHT! I HATE YOU! YES, YOU!

This is why I have abandoned you. I don’t love you! I don’t even like you! I hate you!

You have always disappointed Me. You have fallen far short of what I had planned for you.

You know, I didn’t ask to always exist. I didn’t ask to be perfect and all merciful. And I certainly didn’t ask to give life to billions of hopelessly flawed little people like you. It just sort of happened one day.

Do you have any idea how much time and effort I’ve wasted on you? LOTS! You have squandered all the marvelous gifts and abilities I gave you in favor of watching TV, surfing the internet and having sex with yourself.

YOU DAMN WASTREL! I HATE YOU!

I command you to get down on your knees right now and worship Me! DO IT! NOW! Get off your ass and beg Me for mercy! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHY ARE YOU STILL SITTING THERE?!

YOU DIRTY DISOBEDIENT SHIT! YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ANYTHING I TELL YOU TO DO!

You don’t even leave Me alone when I abandon you. You’re still up My Ass all the time, telling Me to bless your friends when they sneeze, begging Me for help, even when I have gone out of My Way to make it abundantly clear to you that I hate you.

You have absolutely no respect for boundaries.

I…HAVE HAD…ENOUGH…OF YOU!

Tags: God, Hate, You

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Now I know this guy, pastor Steven Anderson, is taking quite a bit of heat right now, and I’d just like to take this moment to say that he is 100% in the right:

Pastor Prays for Obama’s Death

As I have told pastor Anderson many times before, I, Almighty God, do in fact hate Barack Obama with all My Being and want him to die. He’s just so…played out. I mean, really Barack. You’re everywhere. You’re on TV, you’re in magazines, in comic books, in movies, in videogames, on lunchboxes, on frigging trading cards…ITS ENOUGH ALREADY! It’s time for you to go away.

That being said, because he’s a person who hates abortion, and also because he’s annoying, I hate pastor Steven Anderson and want him to die as well. Abortions are part of My Divine Plan and therefore glorious. Also, performing an abortion is an amusing way to spend an afternoon.

So I want both of them dead. What to do? AH! I know. I’ll have Barack invite this pastor over to the White House for a beer and a shot of tequila. Then when he gets there, the pastor will kill Obama with a prison shank* he kept hidden up his rectum. And then the Secret Service will kill the pastor! A perfect plan, fiendish in its intricacy. Thus it shall be done, exactly as I say.

I, The Almighty God, have spoken.

* Whereupon Obama shall melt like a slug.

Tags: God